There are few things in this world more satisfying than drawing a Sharpie dick on your friend’s face after he’s conked out from one too many Jägerbombs. But among those few things is a shapely female ass in a thong. So you can imagine my delight when I recently discovered the miracle combination of these two beautiful things that is Passed Out Juggalos.
Passed Out Juggalos is a Facebook page started by a bunch of chicks who go to Gathering of the Juggalos and other events where the eyebrow-pierced fans of Insane Clown Posse congregate, find the dudes who are passed out (trust me, it’s not very hard), and take pictures of themselves shoving their scantily clad asses and boobs in said passed out dudes’ faces. It’s like some kind of crazy, genius cross between teabagging, a strip club lap dance and a Take Back the Night march. Okay, that last part might be a stretch, but you have to admit, there’s a turn-the-tables layer of female empowerment to all this. You could almost call it girl-on-guy sexual harrassment…except that for 99.9% of these guys, unless there’s a huge gay Juggalo contingent we’re unaware of, this is a fucking dream come true. Or it would’ve been if only they’d been awake for it.
Like all true geniuses, the women behind Passed Out Juggalos are misunderstood. Scattered amidst the “Fuck yeah!” and “I wanna pass out when you’re around” comments on their Facebook page is a fairly steady stream of “You’re all dumb sluts” and “Why are you doing this?” POJ girl Neveah answers that last one pretty well in this Q&A she and two other POJ girls did with Vice.com: “It’s hella funny, because you see people hella passed out in these crazy positions that look so uncomfortable. What could be better than putting your ass right in their faces?” Neveah, we hella agree with you 1,000%.
On a related note: Tickets are on sale now for the next Gathering of the Juggalos, happening Aug. 7-11 in Cave-in-Rock, Illinois. Gentlemen, start practicing your uncomfortable-looking fake-passed-out poses now.
It’s another first here at TWBITW—our first-ever guest post. The author is Rebecca Metz, creator of Vagina News, a blog that discusses women’s issues and vaginas in the news. (How often are vaginas in the news? More often that you might realize, especially because when they are, everyone tends to scrupulously avoid saying the word “vagina.”) She also happens to be my wife, so y’all be nice to her, K?
Rebecca has a keen eye for misogynistic horseshit, so we decided to ask for her insights into the latest video from Insane Clown Posse, “Hate Her to Death.” But first, let’s watch and judge for ourselves, shall we?
Now, let’s get Rebecca’s take:
I didn’t know a lot about Insane Clown Posse. I knew they were bald guys in clown makeup who didn’t understand how magnets worked. I knew their fans were called Juggalos, and Juggalos sometimes look like Goths, but they’re not the same thing, because I once saw a guy ask a couple of Goths if they were Juggalos, and the Goths had never heard of Juggalos. And that’s what I knew about Insane Clown Posse.
Then I watched the video for “Hate Her to Death.”
So there’s this cheerleader the Insane Clown Posse guys like. A lot. She’s funny and caring and pretty and bendy and they like to draw pictures of her radiating a Jesus-like aura. (In the video, ICP are represented by a sad loner. We know he’s a sad loner because he’s wearing the sad loner uniform—a black hoodie—and he’s an artist, the official hobby of sad loners. Sad loners are all one pretty cheerleader away from the next great graphic novel.)
Anyway, the problem is that she “don’t belong to” our clowny heroes. She may or may not belong to one of several hipster bullies—but she definitely KNOWS them, because they show her the cheerleader-as-Jesus drawing. But instead of leaping into the sad loner’s arms upon seeing herself as Jesus, she goes to the gym and stretches, because she’s dumb or selfish or something.
And while the sad loner could just tell her he thinks she’s incredible/unforgettable/breathtaking/earthshaking and see what happens, come ON. She should KNOW that from the picture, right? What does he have to do, come out and say his feelings in WORDS? LAME.
So since he’s being bullied by hipsters and the cheerleader doesn’t love him (which is stupid of her, everyone knows sad loners make the best boyfriends) and he doesn’t seem to have friends or parents or a therapist to talk to, the cheerleader clearly has to die. It’s so sad. For him.
Well, first she has to watch her bully-hipster-maybe-boyfriend die, because that kind of thing makes cheerleaders feel terrible, and eliciting terrible feelings is Step One in Hating Someone to Death. But ICP are super sensitive to concerns about school violence, so they avoid the sorts of weapons people are always freaking out about, and kill the hipster by first choking him with a magic spell and then stabbing him with a pen. Everybody loves magic and pens!
ICP also understand that, while the cheerleader totally deserves to be the object of the sad loner’s rage because she’s happy and he’s not, killing pretty girls is among people’s least favorite kinds of killing, so you have to be real subtle about it. What to do, what to do… AHA! Crumple up the cheerleader-as-Jesus picture in an act of murder-foreshadowing! (They make sure to say “I fucking hate her to death” a bunch of times at the end so we’ll know what the crumpled picture means. It’s like poetry. Video poetry. Voetry.)
Thanks to “Hate Her to Death”, I know a lot more about Insane Clown Posse. I know they lack basic communication skills, don’t know how to process unpleasant emotions, and support violence against women as a means of expressing anger—but in an über-creative way that makes it awesome instead of representative of a serious cultural problem. I know they like to hang out in badly-lit libraries. And… that’s it. Am I a Juggalo now?
Washington and Lincoln are cool and all, but they’ve also been dead for like a hundred years. And why celebrate a bunch of dead white dudes when you can celebrate the living, breathing people who put on clown makeup and crank horrorcore hip-hop with hidden Christian messages?
Yes, Sunday, Feb. 17th is the 2nd Annual Juggalo Day, a holiday to celebrate the awesomeness that is Insane Clown Posse‘s batshit fan base. Technically, Presidents’ Day is the next day, but after partying like a Juggalo, you’re gonna sleep through that shit like someone put Roofies in your Faygo.
According to ICP’s newsletter, the Hatchet Herald, ICP themselves are gonna celebrate Juggalo Day by performing their classic 1995 album Riddle Box in its entirety at St. Andrews Hall in Detroit. If you can’t get to Detroit, we recommend celebrating Juggalo Day with a few bong rips and blasting Riddle Box loud enough to get evicted. If you do get kicked out, you can always blame it on the FBI.
In other ICP news, the 2013 Gathering of the Juggalos has been confirmed for Aug. 7-11 (numbers dear to every Juggalo’s heart) in Cave-in-Rock, Illinois. Maybe Andy and I will finally go this year, but probably not. We’re old.
Let’s play this post out with one of the most popular tracks from Riddle Box, “Chicken Huntin’.” We hear Abe Lincoln knew what to do with a drunken hillbilly, too.
Insane Clown Posse’s last video “Chris Benoit” was thought-provoking and all, but you know what it was really missing? Zombies. Also, chainsaws. Both of those issues are solved in their latest clip, “Night of the Chainsaw,” which stars a sharp-toothed power tool named Chuck and a dude who swallows a golden pill that apparently makes you hallucinate the Zombie Apocalypse. What ever happened to good old-fashioned meth, am I right? (But seriously, kids…drugs are bad, stay in school, etc., etc.)
Most of the other news coming out of ICP Land these days is of the Man-Keepin-Us-Down variety: They had to move their annual Hallowicked show at the last minute after local police pressured the original venue into cancelling it, and Juggalos are still being targeted by cops and FBI as gang members. “Weekly meetings for the group are held at Zilker Park,” reports MyFOXAustin.com…cuz, y’know, if there’s one thing criminal street gangs love, it’s regularly scheduled meetups in public parks.
Anyhoo, here’s “Night of the Chainsaw.” The last time we saw that much green goo, it was shooting out of Oderus Urungus’ giant cock.
Yeah, we missed Gathering of the Juggalos again. Also, Insane Clown Posse is suing the FBI. Wait, what?
It’s true: Another year has passed and Andy and I have once again failed to cross “Fuck shit up at the Gathering of the Juggalos” off our bucket list. So we can’t bring you any first-hand accounts of the 13th installment of GOTJ…although let’s face it, even if we had gone, we probably would have fried too many brain cells to tell you what actually happened. We’re not so good with the whole “maintain journalistic objectivity” thing. It’s not really how we roll.
But here’s what we can tell you, thanks to the awesome live-vicariously-through-others engine that is the Internet: ICP’s set “dazzled fans“…or at least doused them with the expected large quantities of Faygo. People got arrested. Some jackass got his car destroyed when he was caught stealing shit from people’s tents. (Seriously, people, do not fuck with the Juggalos.) Oh, and ICP announced that they’re going to sue the FBI for classifying Juggalos as a “criminal gang.” Wait, what?
I know both of those last two things sound completely insane, but both are completely true: The FBI really has classified Juggalos as a gang, and Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope really did announce at GOTJ that they are…well, not suing the FBI just yet, but seriously looking into it, arguing that their fans are being wrongfully charged as gang members and excessively punished for everything from minor drug possession to parole violations. And you know what? We’d say they have a pretty good fucking point.
For more on how ICP are gonna start Sticking It to The Man, go to JuggalosFightBack.com. And all bullshit aside…more power to ‘em. Because if wearing clown paint and listening to rap music and saying “Whoop! Whoop!” a lot is enough to get you classified as a gang member in America these days…well, then we really have lost our collective shit.
Insane Clown Posse premiered the first video from their new album The Mighty Death Pop today and it’s what my Uncle Floyd calls a Doozy McFloozy. The track is called “Chris Benoit,” after the pro wrestler who murdered his wife and kid and then hanged himself in 2007, and the video is…well, watch it below and see for yourself.
Among the many unanswered questions here: Is that a Burning Man theme camp, or a post-apocalyptic hellscape? What does that big white block stand for, and why does someone seemingly drop dead every time that masked executioner strikes it? What the fuck is that thing he’s striking it with? It’s like a cross between a pick-ax and a sledgehammer. Why is the child emperor Juggalo wearing a schoolboy uniform? Why does solving a levitating black-and-white Rubik’s Cube make the vaguely bishop-y looking guy drop dead? Why is there a fucking fire-spinner and an old black lady in a Newt Gingrich wig? Why does the fat guy have chess pieces in his bandolier? Is he packing some kind of chess-piece-firing weapon he never got a chance to deploy? What does the symbol on the hot chick’s flag mean? Are you sick of all these questions yet?
The video just came out today, so we’re sure some hyper-obsessive Juggalo will eventually explain the whole thing for us. In the meantime, the rest of us can just sit back and shake our heads at the craziest shit ICP has dropped since “Miracles.”
P.S. There’s also now an ICP app available for iPhone/iPad and Android, apparently, if you’re into that kind of thing. I was hoping it might include a Faygo retail locator, but apparently it’s just ICP news and exclusive content and whatnot.
Yep, folks, it’s another first here at Weird Band HQ: Our first-ever ticket giveaway! We’re coming for you, KROQ!
Seriously, some marketing company for Insane Clown Posse has actually agreed to give us two free tickets to ICP’s June 23rd at the Emerald Theatre in Mt. Clemens, Michigan, in exchange for telling you people there’s an ICP show happening June 23rd at the Emerald Theatre in Mt. Clemens, Michigan. We don’t quite understand the logic behind it, either, but shit, free tickets, right? How could we say no?
To win the tickets, just be the
300th 280th person to like us on Facebook.* That’s it. You can even unlike us again the second you take delivery of your tickets. We don’t give a shit. We’re not fishing for more Facebook likes here so much as we’re just picking the lowest-effort way possible for us to run a ticket giveaway. It’s not like Andy and I know how to build some fancy entry form or some shit. We’re keeping this ghetto. We like to think Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope would approve.
In the interest of keeping those marketing folks happy, we should also mention here that the countdown continues for the release of ICP’s latest studio masterpiece, The Mighty Death Pop, available Aug. 14th in three completely different and equally awesome versions. But you already knew that, cuz you watched the 19-minute Mighty Death Pop infomercial, right? If you didn’t…bad Juggalo! No Faygo for you.
We should also mention that ICP were recently featured in my favorite bikini-babe mag, Maxim, in a feature in which the magazine gives them $848 and then follows them around while they spend it. Hey Maxim, if you ever want to run a similar feature starring a couple of fun-lovin music bloggers…we’re available. I promise to make sure Andy spends his half on drugs and strippers and not that new desk chair he has his eye on.
Oh, and if for some reason you don’t like free shit…here’s a Ticketmaster link where you can buy tickets to see ICP June 23rd at the Emerald Theatre in…where was it again? Mt. Clemens, Michigan. It’s near Detroit, apparently. And they have a gazebo.
Pretend this part is in much smaller type: This giveaway does not include airfare or even a fucking Greyhound ticket. So when entering to win, please bear in mind that you have figure out how to get your ass to Mt. Clemens all by yourself. All clear? Good.
We’ll post the winner’s name here and contact him/her via Facebook. Good luck to you all: Juggalos, Juggalettes, and anyone who’s just Jugg-Curious.
*If you already like our Facebook page, just tell a friend and split the tickets with ‘em. Everybody wins!
Insane Clown Posse + Pay-Per-View? Genius! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this sooner? If there’s one thing Juggalos love more than road-tripping to the middle of fucking nowhere to see their heroes live, it’s getting baked and sitting in front of their computers watching videos. Everybody wins.
Anyway, yeah, for those of y’all that can’t make it to Farmington, New Mexico on May 26th for ICP’s big Hatchet Attacks festival, you now have the option of watching the whole thing at home on Ustream for a mere $19.99. That’s only like $2.50 per act, or about one-tenth of a penny for every time you hear a “Woop! Woop!” At those prices, you practically can’t afford not to order the pay-per-view stream.
Check out the 10-minute infomercial (with ICP, there’s always a long-winded infomercial) for more information. And by the way, in case you’re curious, this is where Farmington, New Mexico is. Did you think I was kidding about it being the middle of fucking nowhere? I’m amazed they can actually transmit video from there.
OK, so you probably just read that headline and thought, “Dude, I couldn’t even make it through a 19-minute infomercial for Girls Gone Wild. How much Juggalo jackassery can I possibly take?” But before you totally blow off the awesomeness that is The Mighty Death Pop and its bomb-ass, Braveheart-length infomercial, check out these actual quotes from the video:
“…Dropping cluster bombs of flavor…”
“You like to take chances with your life? That’s good, because he like to pop deaths.”
“Version one has a red background, so we will call it Red Pop.”
“64 minutes of non-stop hoe flows!”
“…Special guests that will melt your brain until it seeps out of your ears…”
“It’s interesting as fuck.”
Now tell me you don’t wanna watch this shit. No, don’t tell me, cuz I don’t wanna hear it. Just watch, dammit! (Resist the urge to watch it stoned, though. Cuz then it really does have the power to stop time completely.)
So, to recap: ICP’s The Mighty Death Pop comes out Aug. 14th in three different versions. Also, the FBI now officially considers Juggalos to be a criminal gang. And white announcer dudes should never be forced to say “Efil4zaggin.” I think that about sums it up, actually. Maybe you didn’t need to watch the whole thing after all. My bad.
So here’s a nifty little contest for Insane Clown Posse fans (a.k.a. Juggalos, but you already knew that, right?) and an excellent looky-loo opportunity for us normals who just like shake our heads in disbelief at the rabid depths of their fandom. Between now and Jan. 20th, you can upload a photo of your ICP’d-out vehicle and if your ride gets the most “likes,” you win a prize! That prize being mostly bragging rights, because the actual, physical prize is just a hoodie, a beanie and a copy of ICP’s new CD, Featuring Freshness. A lifetime supply of Faygo would be cooler, but hey man, times is tough.
For more details on how to enter the contest, head over to the ICP Facebook page. You’ll need to install an app called LiveShare, or if you’re old-school you can just upload your photo directly to the LiveShare website. Even if you don’t enter, head over to LiveShare and marvel at all the decals, vanity plates and homemade hood ornaments affixed to every form of transportation known to man. But spare us your “Clown car” jokes, because we’re pretty sure they’ve heard that one already.
Good luck, Juggalos!