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Beatallica are back with more Beatles/Metallica mashups on “Abbey Load”

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Way, way back, when we were just an adorable little rugrat of a blog, we wrote about this crazy cover band from Milwaukee called Beatallica, who combine Beatles and Metallica songs into epic hesher anthems like “All You Need Is Blood” and “The Thing That Should Not Let It Be.” At the time, they had just released their second album, Masterful Mystery Tour, and seemed destined to become the Greatest Cover Band of All Time. Metallica + Beatles? What’s not to love?

Well, four years have passed and, sadly, Beatallica have not replaced this horseshit on the international cover band circuit. And Justice For All, my ass.

However, Beatallica are back with a brand-new album, the awesomely titled Abbey Load. Unlike previous Beatallica albums, which mashed up Beatles and Metallica tunes into original(ish) headbangers, Abbey Load is comprised entirely of Beatles covers done in the style of Metallica, including “Come Together,” “Help!” and the entire side two Abbey Road medley. They do manage to sneak a few Hetfield and co. riffs in there, but compared to previous Beatallica outings, they play this one fairly straight.

If you have a Spotify account, you can stream the whole album below. If you don’t have a Spotify account, you’re shit out of luck. Or you can just go to Amazon and buy the damn thing. Trust us, “Polythene Pam” totally works as a punk/metal rave-up.

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Metallagher

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Some of the bands we blog about require a lot of explanation. We have to give you their whole history, explain how they pioneered some obscure subgenre no one’s ever heard of, tell you that all their instruments are woven from human hair or that they write all their lyrics by putting refrigerator magnet poetry on a Ouija Board or some shit. Some of the bands we blog about are fucking complicated.

And then there’s Metallagher.

Metallagher is a Metallica cover band in which the lead singer is a Gallagher impersonator. Between songs he tells bad jokes and during songs he sings and smashes watermelons. And that’s pretty much all you need to know.

If you really need more backstory, read this interview. You will not be at all surprised to learn that they thought of the name first and the band came later. Or that they’re from Minneapolis. Because really, what else is there to do in Minneapolis except get drunk and think up band names like Metallagher?

Like most cover bands, Metallagher are reportedly best appreciated live. Our friends Jay and Adam were the first ones to tell us about them, and they said the live show was a fruit-splattering spectacle worthy of GWAR. Except instead of going home covered in fake blood and alien jizz, fans go home covered in actual watermelon juice.

They really need more videos that skip that bad-joke-telling part of their act and get right to the fruit-smashing part. But this “promo video” gives a decent idea of what they’re about. Hope they come back to L.A. soon. Maybe for a double bill with Metalachi?

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Loutallica (Lou Reed & Metallica)

We’re not usually big bandwagon-jumpers around here. Show us a bandwagon and we tend to run the other way as fast our wobbly legs can carry us. But with this whole “Loutallica” thing, we cannot sit idly by while the rest of Ye Olde Blogosphere whips up a good-old fashioned shitstorm over how unbelievably, monumentally terrible it is. We gotta get on in there and start freaking the fuck out with the rest of them.

So in case you weren’t sure: Yes, we share the near-universal opinion that Lou Reed and Metallica’s much hyped Lulu–in addition to being quite possibly the weirdest album of the year–is a trainwreck of epic, biblical proportions. If this album was a movie, it would be Howard the Duck. If it was a car, it would a lime-green Pinto with vinyl seats. If it was a rapper, it would be Vanilla Ice, only if he had never done “Ice Ice Baby.” If it was a football team, it would be the 2008 Detroit Lions. If it was something you could buy out of a vending machine, it would be New Coke. No wait…it would be Diet New Coke. Did they even make Diet New Coke? If they did, it would have sucked only slightly more than Lulu.

To be fair, we should have seen this coming. These are the guys that gave us St. Anger and Metal Machine Music, after all. Lou Reed has a penchant for pretentious noise that dates all the way back to his Velvet Underground days–just try to listen to all nine minutes of “Murder Mystery” and feel anything other than proud of yourself for slogging all the way through it. And Metallica’s issues, both musical and emotional, have been well-documented. Put them together, and a perfect storm of bombastitude was probably the inevitable result.

But still…it could have been so sweet. “Sweet Jane” + “Enter Sandman”? Sign us up. But Reed and Hetfield and co. have pretty clearly lost all interest in making those kinds of records at this point in their respective careers…or they’ve forgotten how to. Either way, this whole project was a moonshot that came up well short.

The only good thing that’s come out of Lulu? An awesome new “I Am the Table” internet meme. People are getting more creative online with that shit than Lou and ‘Tallica got with their entire album. (If you have no idea what “I Am the Table” means…well, count yourself lucky, or listen to the track below if you want in on the joke.)

Anyway…if you’re one of the five people who still haven’t heard this shit, feast your ears. And if you’re one of the zero people who want to hear the whole thing (including a 19-minute track called “Junior Dad”…you’ve been warned), it’s all streaming over on the Loutallica site.

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Beatallica

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Let’s face it, most cover bands suck. Why would I pay money to see a bunch of no-name dudes pretending to be The Doors or Creedence Clearwater Revival? Oh, wait, Andy tells me that those are actually the current incarnations of The Doors and CCR. But you get the idea…cover bands are basically just something like Creedence Clearwater Revisted, but with a thick extra layer of suck owing to the fact that no one in the band ever even met John Fogerty, let alone got a cease & desist letter from his lawyers. It’s just karaoke with instruments.

Still, a fair number of cover bands out there manage to liven things up by being, say, a bunch of hot chicks playing cock rock, or sticking a fat Elvis impersonator out front for no apparent reason.  Then there’s Beatallica, who manage the neat trick of being two cover bands for the price of one. Yes, Beatallica is a Metallica/Beatles mashup cover band. I shit you not.

Beatallica would be awesome enough just on the basis of song and album titles like “Got to Get You Trapped Under Ice” and Sgt. Hetfield’s Motorbreath Pub Band. But the kicker is that they’re actually kind of good. Check on the clip below for “All You Need Is Blood” and tell me it doesn’t make you want to bang your head…or at least laugh your ass off.

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