Finally, an experimental death metal song about the Teletubbies. Thanks, VirginTurtleWhore!

Teletubbies Say Fuck You!

It’s about time someone made an experimental death metal song about the Teletubbies. And VirginTurtleWhore was just the band for the job.

On their new track, “Teletubbies Say Fuck You!”, the Mexican metalheads invite the Teletubbies over to play, then bash them over the head with their Flying V’s and stomp their soft, squishy bodies into paste. At least I assume that’s what happened, although that doesn’t explain the Texas two-step breakdown, so I don’t know. Maybe all they did was party.

Here’s what VTW say about the track on their Bandcamp page:

Turn on the ole’ boob tube and enter the realm of Satan and become his anal bead today! Every time my urethra sings this song it gives me an orgasm which in turn drowns the singer, so tragic really. Sometimes I put the in ear headphones in my bum hole and let the vibrations rattle my rectum until I get diarrhea. If the yellow and red teletubbies have sex is the baby orange?

My friend’s two-year-old says the answer to that last question is definitely “yes,” by the way. He also asked what a urethra was, but I just told him it was none of his goddamned business.

Anyhow, enough talk. Let’s rock. Oh and if you want to download the track: I’m pretty sure the market value of a song this good is at least half a million dollars. But you can name your price, you cheap bastard.

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VirginTurtleWhore’s new free album is worth every peso

VTW_Evolution

Good news for people who hate their eardrums: Our favorite Mexican experimental death metal band, VirginTurtleWhore, has finally released their latest LP. It’s called Evolution and you can download the whole thing for the low, low price of nothing at Archive.org. Gracias, dudes! Now pardon me while I crank this killer track called “Albino Meat Pod” to levels that actually cause the walls of my bedroom to ripple like a face in a wind tunnel.

Spoiler alert: Evolution actually starts out so quiet you might think your speakers are busted, but it’s just to trick you into cranking the volume to levels that are suicidal once you get into the rest of the album. Very sneaky, VirginTurtleWhore.

Our thanks to VTW singer/manager NioX, aka Irrealidad Continua Continua Irrealidad, for sharing the insanity with us and our readers. By the way, if you’re not a cheap bastard like me, you can also support VirginTurtleWhore by purchasing Evolution via Bandcamp. You can name your price in U.S. dollars, Mexican pesos or or any other global currency, up to and including pints of virgin blood.

What’s that? I can’t hear you over my tinnitus. Oh,  you say you want to hear a sample? Sure thing. Here’s one of the album’s most batshit tracks, “Holocene Exogenesis.” Strap in, kids.

VirginTurtleWhore

VirginTurtleWhore2

Once again you, the people, have crowned a new Weird Band of the Week. That’s how people get crowned, right? By popular vote? It’s what we do here in America at homecoming dances, anyway.

The point is, we posted another Facebook poll, and this band from Mexico called VirginTurtleWhore totally crushed the competition. So how do you say “Congrats” in Spanish? “Congracias”? That doesn’t sound right. I really should have paid closer attention in Spanish class, but I was listening to bands like VirginTurtleWhore.

We actually don’t know all that much about VTW. We know they’re from Puerto Vallarta and seem to have been around since 2005 or so.  They describe themselves as experimental death metal. They cite Fantomas as one of their influences, which we’re totally down with. They were once a four-piece but there seem to be five of them now: NioX (vocals), PaSkKal (drums), Doña C’anobhia (bass), The Unk and Pack Man (guitars). There may be a sixth member named Teghsie but there’s just a bunch of question marks next to his or her name on the VirginTurtleWhore Facebook page so we’re not sure if that really counts.

Live, they seem to usually cover their faces, but not always their asses. Or their pendejos. (That means both “dumbass” and “pubic hair” in Spanish, or so we’re told. If UrbanDictionary.com had existed when I took Spanish, I might have actually passed.)

It looks like they released an album in 2009 called Evoluphilia that kinda sounds like a cross between Fantomas, Iwrestledabearonce and maybe something like Enter Shikari, because they throw in the occasional electronic dance elements before getting to the 200 bpm, face-melting shit. You can hear some of that stuff here and here. It’s definitely not for pussies.

More recently, they seem to be working on a new album just called Evolution. They’ve released one track from it called “Exxxistencia” that has a kind of amazing video, which you can watch below. Stay with it until you see the headbanging cows. It gets really good after that, trust me. It’s like Discovery Channel After Dark.

So congrats again, VTW! And stay tuned for our next Weird Band Poll. They just keep getting crazier.

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