Tonttu

Tonttu

Did you know that Finland apparently has a huge gnome problem? Not that the gnomes are huge. The gnomes there are tiny, just like they are everywhere else. Finland has a huge problem with tiny gnomes, is what we’re saying. And don’t let those Travelocity commercials fool you. They’re evil little fuckers hellbent on the destruction of all we hold dear.

Fortunately, one band is spreading the truth about gnomes and working day and night to wipe these pointy-hatted little shitbeards off the face of the earth once and for all. They’re called Tonttu and they were the runner-up in our last Weird Band Poll. Why didn’t they win? Fuckin’ gnomes, man. They’re everywhere. They’re even skewing our poll results! Holy shit, that must mean they’re on the Internet now. We’ve got a huge hacker gnome problem. Not that the hacker gnomes are huge…wait, I explained this already, didn’t I?

Anyway, yeah, Tonttu. They’re led by a guy who calls himself the Tonttufindergeneral Hanz-Baal, with the help of another guy who calls himself Großinquisitor Rudolf Von Deer. They call their music “anti-gnomemartialindustrialneofolkmetal.” Most of it is basically just anti-gnome public service announcements delivered in Finnish over music that makes the Schindler’s List soundtrack sound like Katy Perry, although some of it also features maniacal laughter, which I guess is supposed to be what the gnomes sound like when they get together to talk about their plans to murder us all while we sleep. And one track kinda sounds like a Finnish Rammstein, which is pretty cool.

We don’t speak Finnish, but TFG Hanz was nice enough to give us some of the lyrics in English. Here’s a sample:

The most mythical leader of Gnomes, the lump of lard rising up to the sky, the drooling blasphemer Yog-Sothoth
Highest of High Gnomes, in his creepy disguise

The great deception of Christmas flying in the sky,
Dressed in white beard, red jacket
No one should be deceived by that fake beard anymore

Flying in the glow of Fireballs,
Flying from the depths of Mushroom clouds,
Flying in the shadow of deceit,
Taking instead of giving

So yeah, basically, the gnomes are up to some serious Lovecraft shit. We’ve all been deceived. We are victims of a vast gnome conspiracy. Trust no one. Even David fuckin’ Bowie is in on it.

I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure your best defense against gnomes is to download one or more of Tonttu’s anti-gnome albums and play them on full blast 24/7. You can buy their two albums, Nekrognomekon and Anti-Gnomen Divisionen 4 (Mastering the fine art of gnome eradication), here and here. Or, if you want start eradicating gnomes for the low price of FREE, email us at weirdestbandintheworld@gmail.com. The first five people to do so will get free download codes from Anti-Gnomen Divisionen 4. That’s how much Tonttu want to protect you from the gnome menace.

We’ll leave you “Pääruoka,” which features that maniacal gnome laughter we mentioned earlier. Sweet dreams! Hope you don’t have one of those stupid little gnome night-lights. You may as well hang a sign on your bedroom door that says, “Kill me now with your tiny, tiny knives and feed me to your tiny, tiny reindeer.”

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June Weird Band Poll: Vote for Emily Brontesaurus, Sean Derrick Cooper Marquardt, Tonttu, the Von Deer Skulls, or Zapoppin’

So are you glued to your TV this weekend, watching all the World Cup action? Well, pry yourself away for a few minutes, because we’ve got a little weird band World Cup heating up right here. Yep, this month, we’ve got five bands representing five different countries (the U.S., Britain, France, Finland and Germany), all hoping you’ll yell “Gooooooaaaallllll!” as you click the little button next to their name. Well, the guy representing Germany is actually an American, but the U.S. team has a German coach this year, so it all evens out.

Voting, as usual, will drag on way longer than it needs to, concluding at midnight Pacific time on Sunday, June 22nd.

Ready for all the hot band-on-band action? Here we go:

[Sorry, this poll has closed. Check back here Wednesday, when the winner will be revealed. And bookmark this page to partake of future polls. We do a new one every month(ish).]

For more on this month’s bands, read on:

Emily Brontësaurus

Emily Brontesaurus

Emily Brontësaurus is a duo from Durham, North Carolina. To the best of our knowledge, neither of them is a sheep. I think the sheep is more like a mascot, like Flavor Flav or that one guy in Pavement who just plays tambourine and screams a lot. They have one self-titled album out, which you can check out on Bandcamp. As their Bandcamp bio says, “We don’t really stick with any genre. One track may sound totally different from the next. This is intentional.” We try not to play favorites in these polls, but I gotta say: These guys might deserve to win on the basis of their band name alone.

Sean Derrick  Cooper Marquardt

Sean Derrick Cooper Marquat

Actually, forget what I just said about Emily Brontësaurus; Sean Derrick Cooper Marquardt is a pretty righteous name, too. With a name like that, you need either be a musician, a poet, or possibly an NPR reporter stationed somewhere war-torn, but with really good musicians and poets. Cooper Marquardt splits his time between Berlin and Chicago and describes his improvisational technique as “accidental guitar.” Here’s a SoundCloud link to some of his solo work and here’s a video of him jamming with his experimental noise project, The Return of The Think Thing, on the streets of Berlin.

Tonttu

Tonttu

Tonttu are an “anti-gnomemartialindustrialneofolkmetal” band from Finland, led by a guy who calls himself Tonttufindergeneral Hanz-Baal, or “TFG” for short. All of their music is dedicated to the annihilation of gnomes. They do not reveal themselves in photos for fear of gnome reprisals. Here’s one of their tracks on YouTube, and here’s a link to their album, Anti-Gnomen Divisionen: Mastering the Fine Art of Gnome Eradication. Yes, they really, really hate gnomes.

The Von Deer Skulls

The Von Deer Skulls

The Von Deer Skulls are a trio from France made up of siblings Peter Von Deer Skull (guitars), Hektor Von Deer Skull (bass/screams) and Freke-Freyja Von Deer Skull (drums/vocals). Or wait, no, actually Freke and Freyja are twin brother and sister who share drums and vocal duties and the other two aren’t releated. Or they might just one crazy guy wearing lots of different outfits in his videos. It’s all rather confusing and probably not all that important, to be honest. What’s important are their creepy outfits and even creepier music. Here’s their Bandcamp and here’s one of their videos, “Bitches of the Wood.”

Zapoppin’

Zapoppin'

This band from Cornwall, England calls their music “powerskiffle” and it does indeed sound like a bunch of people on way too much caffeine trying to play the folksy British Invasion hits of yesteryear. You can hear their EP Ugly Musick on SoundCloud and learn more about them on Facebook.

So there you have it. Remember to cast your vote before midnight Sunday, June 22nd, and may the weirdest band win.